Looking back....

Looking Back…

Its almost the end of the year now, 2 months before the year officially ends. Looking back, this year has been such a traumatic year for me yet.

I have deemed my life as not meaningful. I have always felt that I haven’t achieved much in life. And often wondered where is my place here on this planet called earth.

I was trying to think back to all the events that happened to me this year and to my surprise this has been the most eventful year of my life. Both with experience that I would never forget and also sadness which I wished I never had to go through. But such is life; bitter sweet. Some say bitter sweet is good, it gives a way to know both what bitter and sweet is like so we can appreciate each more.

Let’s start with Jan. This month still plays clearly in my mind. Almost haunting. This was the month that I saw two of my colleagues receive the letter and their redundancy package. And I received the letter of transfer to another department. All the trauma and the fear still stick to my mind – as though it just happened yesterday. I wish I didn’t have to go through that. But it was the time, that I was forced to move from being complacent to change. Its tough. I still hate my ex SD for doing this to us.

That was the beginning of the most shitful year for me. Things just couldn’t settle. Even though when I was at good old O, I was constantly complaining but when I forced to leave, I felt a sense of lost. Not only in terms of the feelings I have in my heart but I felt like I had no direction and no purpose. Silly you might say. But I just couldn’t adapt. Its true they say, its better the devil you know.

This was the year, that I moved job the most times than I can remember. Sigh… I can’t believe it, makes me wonder now, what am I looking for.

This is also the year that I lost a family member. The wound is still so raw that even by just thinking about her , bring tears to my eyes. It brings back all the guilt, the feelings of all the things that I could have done better for her but in which I didn’t. I wish I had been kinder. Maybe this to serve as a lesson learnt. We have to vigilant, as do not know when the time will come.

This year too, I have had visions like I never had before. I don’t even trust myself to believe it sometimes. But I believe I couldn’t have imagined all these things. Starting with the vision of Mother Mary placing the sign of cross on my forehead at the hotel in Penang and then more during Sarah’s funeral.

This year too, I found that I have never been so broken. I found and acknowledge that I am no one if I do not get HIS help. The year , which I finally questioned myself more and more. Learning to trust HIM more. Its hard. I am still learning each day to let go and I pray that with HIS Grace and Mercy I will be able to eventually.

This is also the year, I felt I lost myself most, drifting in this sea… alone. Helpless. Asking for help…. Confiding more in people more than I ever did before.

This is the year, I know I won’t forget…. This is the year that I hope will be turning in my life and the journey to an eventual change for something better……

Dear Year 2004, the year that brought me change, forced me to move, forced me to seek, brought me sadness and realization. I thank You for a eventful year….